Clinton Touts Plan To Turn Pentagon Into Hexagon

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton
today unveiled a plan to add a sixth vertex to the
Pentagon, reconfiguring the headquarters of the
Department of Defense into a Hexagon. "Bold and
dramatic change is needed in Washington," Clinton said
in a statement. "The visual metaphor of remodeling one
of the world's largest office buildings into an even
larger office building is one way to show my
administration will deliver on the appearance of
change, even as the status quo will be maintained."

Plans call for a sixth side to be added along the
eastern portion of the building, that which currently
faces the Potomac River. Some 600,000 additional
square feet of office space will be created,
approximately 10% of the existing amount. "This
addition will facilitate efficiency and reduce
redundancy among DOD offices," Clinton said. "Workers
in the new Hexagon will no longer have to travel 10 or
15 minutes to get to a Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks, as
new fast food service are will be housed in the new
wing. Untold man hours will be saved, thereby lowering
costs." The Pentagon currently manages about dozen
restaurant outlets.

Clinton also cited a boost to the Washington and
national economies. "With a preliminary budget of some
$20 billion dollars, with the opportunity for
over-runs that could double or even triple the cost,
we forecast a tremendous boost for the profit margins
of favored contractors and their CEO's," Clinton said.
"It's a win-win situation for everyone."

Clinton Rejects Proposal To Play Laser Tag As Deciding Campaign Event

After several days of intense internal debate, Hillary Clinton's campaign managers have rejected an overture from their counterparts in Barack Obama's camp to stage a game of arena laser tag as the deciding campaign event, insiders said today. The plan, first floated by Obama Campaign Manger David Plouffe, would have had Clinton and Obama squaring off in a winner-take-all match, with the loser dropping out of the Presidential race.

Sources said the idea was seriously considered by both sides. "We do indeed want to show that Hillary is strong on national defense," a spokeswoman for Clinton said. "Laser tag, with its quasi-military elements, fits that purpose. We felt Hillary was nimble enough, fit enough, and determined enough to compete and win a typical arena laser tag game. She's really good at creeping around corners and turning up unexpectedly. I mean, she's been married to Bill for a long, long time."

The Obama camp had their reasons for playing, too. "We're sure that Obama could outlast Hillary," an Obama insider said. "He's younger, stronger, and he's played laser tag many times before with his kids."

Negotiations reportedly broke down over the size of the laser tag facility, the number of hits required for victory, and the equipment. "They wanted the Positronic 2000 system, which isn't very good over 20 yards," the Clinton spokeswoman said of the Obama camp. "If we couldn't get the Laseroid 12-KU system, which is accurate up to 40 yards, we weren't going in." Both sides say they still may revisit the issue, as they much prefer the prospect of a spirited game of laser tag to a long, grinding, and static campaign.

Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."