Ultimate Blow For Hil: Bill Clinton Endorses Obama

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton weathered what campaign insiders call "the ultimate blow" earlier today when her husband, Bill Clinton, announced his endorsement of Barack Obama. "God knows I'd like to live anywhere but Westchester, but this just isn't going anywhere," the President said.

Still reeling from Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey's endorsement of her rival yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is said to be maintaining a remarkably upbeat demeanor. "She's been listening to that Bobby Mcferrin song all day," an aide said, referring to the singer's 1988 hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Asked by reporters if she might now finally step aside, Clinton just smiled broadly and said "wild horses couldn't drag me out of this campaign."

Obama Camp Split By Dissension: Bitter Fight Over Choice Of Official Campaign Theme Song

The Obama presidential campaign, which in past weeks has been a model of smoothly functioning political operation, has found itself polarized over an apparently simple choice: the selection of an official campaign theme song. “When [Bill] Clinton decided on that Fleetwood Mac song, his campaign just took off,” a spokeswoman for the Illinois Senator said. “Obama needs one too, but we just haven’t come to a consensus yet.”

Sources say the choice has been complicated by a large number of competing interests. One faction is heavily promoting “We’re Jamming” by reggae legend Bob Marley. Another favors wants “Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin)’” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc. A third faction, originally led by former Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, prefers Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” “I loved that one,” Power told Obama Headline News. “It bolsters the gay vote and slams Hillary all at the same time.” Obama’s personal preference?: “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown.

Obama Shows New 'Fro: Black Enough Now?

Sick and tired of hearing he's "not black enough," Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has opted for a change of hairstyle. "I love it," the Senator told reporters today of his new do. "Just a little bit of Afro-Sheen, and I'm ready to go." What does wife Michelle think? Rumor has it she's so smitten she's planning to grow a 'fro of her own.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright Apologizes For God Damn America Sermon

Senator Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has finally offered a public apology for his infamous God Damn America sermon. Wright took to the airwaves Tuesday afternoon to say he was “deeply, deeply sorry” for the words he delivered to his congregation. “I flipped out,” a tearful Wright said during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. “I certainly didn’t mean to say ‘God Damn America.’ What I meant to say was ‘God Damn F*cking America.’ And don’t even get me started about Canada…”

Obama Piqued by Clintons’ Adoption of Ethiopian Girl

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama told reporters today he is “outraged” by Bill and Hillary Clinton’s decision to adopt a three-year-old Ethiopian girl named Sahara. “I’m the black candidate in this race,” Obama said. “This really is hitting below the belt.” Sources confirm that both of the child’s biological parents are black.

The Clintons deny that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt helped to expedite the adoption. According to a spokeswoman for Hillary: “It was actually all Madonna’s idea.”

Obama Burns Passport Outside State Department

Fed up with nosy federal contract employees snooping through his passport files, Presidential hopeful Barack Obama today burned his passport outside the State Department. “It was a symbolic gesture,” a top Obama aide told Obama Headline News. And an expedient one. According to the aide, Obama thought his old passport photo make him look “just too white.”

Obama To Spitzer: Don't Endorse Me, Please

Senator Barack Obama has asked disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer not to endorse his candidacy for President today, tomorrow, or at any point prior to the election. "While I am personally sympathetic to Mr. Spitzer and his domestic difficulties, I hope he will recognize that his endorsement would be, at this point, a burden," Obama said in a statement. "I wish him well, but his formal endorsement would, quite frankly, only distract Americans from our mission of bringing real and needed change to America."

An Obama spokesman said Spitzer is just one of many pubic figures who will be asked not to endorse the Senator in the coming weeks. Disgraced Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal, rapper Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, and director-producer Judd Aptow will all be encouraged not to offer their public support. "The last thing we need is a good word from Stan O'Neal," the spokesman said. "And after Drillbit Taylor, we wouldn't touch Aptow with a ten-foot pole."

American Samoa Delegate Up For Grabs

Tutuila, American Samoa: This small, unincorporated island territory is ordinarily a relaxed tropical paradise, with warm, sunny days and warm, breezy nights. Lately, however, a bruising, desperate fight has consumed islanders. At stake is the allegiance of the territory's one delegate to the upcoming Democratic National Convention. What makes this battle all the more difficult to decipher is the delegate's honorary, i.e. non-voting, status. "I believe in change," says long-time Governor Togiola Tulafon. "I believe in Obama. He deserves our honorary, untallied vote." Not so, say members of the opposition. "Most islanders want our non-vote to go to Hillary Clinton," says Tulafon Togiola, a long-time political opponent of Governor Tulafon. "If we have no influence on the convention, we want that lack of influence to be for someone who has ignored us for decades, rather than months."