Obama Sneeze Video Rockets To The Top of You Tube

We're still trying to figure out why this video of President-elect Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter has garnered so many You Tube votes...

Obama Abandons Blackberry, Buys Typewritter

Faced with the near certain prospect of having to give up his Blackberry for security reasons, President-elect Barack Obama has purchased a vintage Remington typewritter for his personal use, sources close to Obama told Obama Headline News. "They've got him running scared," one insider said. "He knows his computer can be hacked, too, so he's not taking any chances."

What's puzzling, the insider said, is that Obama insists on propping the typewritter on his shoulder so that he can lean it against his ear. "He always had the Blackberry glued to his ear," the insider said. "I guess old habits die hard. But, man, that's going to hurt after a while."

Michelle Obama Busted For Election Night Fashion Faux Pas

Michelle Obama is BUSTED for her Election Night fashion faux pas and Officer Bob is throwing away the key. The first installment in our new series, White House Fashion Police Man.

Obama Eyes Hillary Clinton For Role As Nation's First Official Back Seat Driver

Marathon campaigner Hillary Clinton may soon get a new role as the nation's first official back seat driver. President-elect Barack Obama is seriously considering the former First Lady and New York Senator for the coveted position of Secretary of State, Obama officials said.

Inspired by his reading of Doris Kearns Goodwin's book Team of Rivals, an account of the leadership strategy of Abraham Lincoln, Obama apparently is pondering the possibility of installing his own slate of high-strung, attention-starved, fractitious politicians in his cabinet.

“It’s like throwing a dozen alley cats into a burlap bag and tying it shut,” one insider said. "I think it could work!"

Others in the Obama administration-in-waiting are less sanguine, however. "It's a train wreck waiting to happen," another source in the Obama camp cautioned. "That whole team of rivals thing was great for friggin’ Lincoln. But that was like a million years ago. I can just hear Hillary now: 'Turn here, go back, turn there, pull over, I have to pee.' Buckle your seatbelts, everybody. If she gets the post, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

Malia Obama's Election Night Dress Stirring A Fashion Frenzy

Though her Mom's election night ensemble was a major fashion flop, Malia Obama's red silk taffeta dress has rocketed to the top ranks of coveted tweenwear. Stores that carried the $110 Precious Jewels Party Dress With Bubble Hem from Biscotti Girls said supplies are quickly being depleted. Last we checked, Neiman Marcus still had a size 8 and Nordstrom, where Michelle Obama bought Malia's dress, carried the 16.

Nancy Reagan Reportedly Planning First Seance With Ronald Reagan

Nancy Reagan never did perform a seance during Ronald Reagan's White House Years. But, according to sources, Barack Obama's quip about the astrology-loving former First Lady during a press conference in Chicago yesterday has planted a seed in Mrs. Reagan's mind. "She's actually very thankful that Obama brought up the subject," one insider said, adding that Mrs. Reagan plans to begin researching how to hold a seance as early as today.

Mrs. Reagan has admitted recently that she misses her husband more than ever. In May, 2007, she told Good Morning America anchor, Diane Sawyer: "I keep thinking of all those people who said time ... it'll be much better in time...Well, not for me. If anything, -- it's gotten worse. ... I miss him more. I'm remembering more little things that we did together. It's harder."

If Mrs. Reagan is successful, Obama would be very interested in speaking with the "non-living" president, too, a spokewoman for the President-elect said this morning. "He's trying to gather as much advice as he can from former presidents, and he is an enormous admirer of Ronald Reagan," she said.

CIA Investigating Rahm Emanuel's "Fishy" Links to Japan

Prescience or mere coincidence? Did the creators of the Obama Fish Burger really have advance knowledge that Barack Obama would choose ardent dead fish lover Rahm Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff? (Emanuel even went so far as to mail a large dead fish to a pollster during a Congressional race some years ago).

According to sources, the CIA is currently investigating possible leaks from Obama headquarters to chefs in Japan. "We don't know what the outcome will be," one source said. "But something sure is fishy."

Japan Christens The "Obama Burger"

As Barak Obama's victory was greeted with cheers around the world, the residents of Obama, Japan prepared their own special tribute to the American President-elect: Obama Fish Burgers. What do they taste like? "Deddo sakana [roughly translated: 'dead fish']," says Tatsuo Hasegawa, an ardent Obama supporter.

Obama Takes Presidency In Landslide Victory

The votes are in! After nearly two years of campaigning, Barack Obama will become the 44th President of the United States.

Sarah Palin Gets Pranked

We love this prank call a Quebec comedy team made to Sarah Palin, pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Be sure to have a look!

Disco Ball Knocks Sarah Palin In the Head

Tragedy, or just plain old good fun? Video game site, Miniclip, has come up with a hilarious "Dancing Palin" game. Turn the music on, watch Palin get hit in the head with a disco ball, and make her do all sorts of cool disco moves!

Dancing Palin Check out Palin's moves!

Play this free game now!!

Palin Drops Abstinence-Only Stance In Favor of Chastity Belts

Just days after revealing that her teenage daughter, Bristol, is pregnant, Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin announced that she has abandoned her support of abstinence-only sex education in favor of the use of chastity belts exclusively.

In a statement released by Palin through the McCain-Palin campaign, she said: "I really think this should do the trick." Palin reportedly has already purchased four belts for her own household, and dozens more for friends and extended family.

Obama Offers Hillary Position As Intern: "Time to Unite The Party"

Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama today offered former rival Hillary Clinton a position as an intern in his campaign, sources said. “It’s time to bury our differences and celebrate our commonality. We are one party,” Obama said. “And we share one goal: denying George Bush a third term. We welcome the support of each and every Democrat, but, you know, some more than others, if you catch my drift.”

Campaign insiders said an unofficial offer had been extended to Clinton regarding her potential involvement. “We’re thinking an intern kind of thing. She’s welcome, pending a resume,” an Obama source said, speaking off the record. “We have plenty of openings for campaign support services, addressing mailers, putting up posters, the usual. No pay but a great learning experience with huge networking possibilities.”

Clinton had no immediate comment. Sources close to the former candidate said she was mulling her options. “She’s aiming a bit higher than that,” one source said. “But she’s not saying no to anything just yet."

Clinton Touts Plan To Turn Pentagon Into Hexagon

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton
today unveiled a plan to add a sixth vertex to the
Pentagon, reconfiguring the headquarters of the
Department of Defense into a Hexagon. "Bold and
dramatic change is needed in Washington," Clinton said
in a statement. "The visual metaphor of remodeling one
of the world's largest office buildings into an even
larger office building is one way to show my
administration will deliver on the appearance of
change, even as the status quo will be maintained."

Plans call for a sixth side to be added along the
eastern portion of the building, that which currently
faces the Potomac River. Some 600,000 additional
square feet of office space will be created,
approximately 10% of the existing amount. "This
addition will facilitate efficiency and reduce
redundancy among DOD offices," Clinton said. "Workers
in the new Hexagon will no longer have to travel 10 or
15 minutes to get to a Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks, as
new fast food service are will be housed in the new
wing. Untold man hours will be saved, thereby lowering
costs." The Pentagon currently manages about dozen
restaurant outlets.

Clinton also cited a boost to the Washington and
national economies. "With a preliminary budget of some
$20 billion dollars, with the opportunity for
over-runs that could double or even triple the cost,
we forecast a tremendous boost for the profit margins
of favored contractors and their CEO's," Clinton said.
"It's a win-win situation for everyone."

Clinton Rejects Proposal To Play Laser Tag As Deciding Campaign Event

After several days of intense internal debate, Hillary Clinton's campaign managers have rejected an overture from their counterparts in Barack Obama's camp to stage a game of arena laser tag as the deciding campaign event, insiders said today. The plan, first floated by Obama Campaign Manger David Plouffe, would have had Clinton and Obama squaring off in a winner-take-all match, with the loser dropping out of the Presidential race.

Sources said the idea was seriously considered by both sides. "We do indeed want to show that Hillary is strong on national defense," a spokeswoman for Clinton said. "Laser tag, with its quasi-military elements, fits that purpose. We felt Hillary was nimble enough, fit enough, and determined enough to compete and win a typical arena laser tag game. She's really good at creeping around corners and turning up unexpectedly. I mean, she's been married to Bill for a long, long time."

The Obama camp had their reasons for playing, too. "We're sure that Obama could outlast Hillary," an Obama insider said. "He's younger, stronger, and he's played laser tag many times before with his kids."

Negotiations reportedly broke down over the size of the laser tag facility, the number of hits required for victory, and the equipment. "They wanted the Positronic 2000 system, which isn't very good over 20 yards," the Clinton spokeswoman said of the Obama camp. "If we couldn't get the Laseroid 12-KU system, which is accurate up to 40 yards, we weren't going in." Both sides say they still may revisit the issue, as they much prefer the prospect of a spirited game of laser tag to a long, grinding, and static campaign.

Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."

Ultimate Blow For Hil: Bill Clinton Endorses Obama

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton weathered what campaign insiders call "the ultimate blow" earlier today when her husband, Bill Clinton, announced his endorsement of Barack Obama. "God knows I'd like to live anywhere but Westchester, but this just isn't going anywhere," the President said.

Still reeling from Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey's endorsement of her rival yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is said to be maintaining a remarkably upbeat demeanor. "She's been listening to that Bobby Mcferrin song all day," an aide said, referring to the singer's 1988 hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Asked by reporters if she might now finally step aside, Clinton just smiled broadly and said "wild horses couldn't drag me out of this campaign."

Obama Camp Split By Dissension: Bitter Fight Over Choice Of Official Campaign Theme Song

The Obama presidential campaign, which in past weeks has been a model of smoothly functioning political operation, has found itself polarized over an apparently simple choice: the selection of an official campaign theme song. “When [Bill] Clinton decided on that Fleetwood Mac song, his campaign just took off,” a spokeswoman for the Illinois Senator said. “Obama needs one too, but we just haven’t come to a consensus yet.”

Sources say the choice has been complicated by a large number of competing interests. One faction is heavily promoting “We’re Jamming” by reggae legend Bob Marley. Another favors wants “Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin)’” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc. A third faction, originally led by former Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, prefers Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” “I loved that one,” Power told Obama Headline News. “It bolsters the gay vote and slams Hillary all at the same time.” Obama’s personal preference?: “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown.

Obama Shows New 'Fro: Black Enough Now?

Sick and tired of hearing he's "not black enough," Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has opted for a change of hairstyle. "I love it," the Senator told reporters today of his new do. "Just a little bit of Afro-Sheen, and I'm ready to go." What does wife Michelle think? Rumor has it she's so smitten she's planning to grow a 'fro of her own.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright Apologizes For God Damn America Sermon

Senator Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has finally offered a public apology for his infamous God Damn America sermon. Wright took to the airwaves Tuesday afternoon to say he was “deeply, deeply sorry” for the words he delivered to his congregation. “I flipped out,” a tearful Wright said during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. “I certainly didn’t mean to say ‘God Damn America.’ What I meant to say was ‘God Damn F*cking America.’ And don’t even get me started about Canada…”

Obama Piqued by Clintons’ Adoption of Ethiopian Girl

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama told reporters today he is “outraged” by Bill and Hillary Clinton’s decision to adopt a three-year-old Ethiopian girl named Sahara. “I’m the black candidate in this race,” Obama said. “This really is hitting below the belt.” Sources confirm that both of the child’s biological parents are black.

The Clintons deny that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt helped to expedite the adoption. According to a spokeswoman for Hillary: “It was actually all Madonna’s idea.”

Obama Burns Passport Outside State Department

Fed up with nosy federal contract employees snooping through his passport files, Presidential hopeful Barack Obama today burned his passport outside the State Department. “It was a symbolic gesture,” a top Obama aide told Obama Headline News. And an expedient one. According to the aide, Obama thought his old passport photo make him look “just too white.”

Obama To Spitzer: Don't Endorse Me, Please

Senator Barack Obama has asked disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer not to endorse his candidacy for President today, tomorrow, or at any point prior to the election. "While I am personally sympathetic to Mr. Spitzer and his domestic difficulties, I hope he will recognize that his endorsement would be, at this point, a burden," Obama said in a statement. "I wish him well, but his formal endorsement would, quite frankly, only distract Americans from our mission of bringing real and needed change to America."

An Obama spokesman said Spitzer is just one of many pubic figures who will be asked not to endorse the Senator in the coming weeks. Disgraced Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal, rapper Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, and director-producer Judd Aptow will all be encouraged not to offer their public support. "The last thing we need is a good word from Stan O'Neal," the spokesman said. "And after Drillbit Taylor, we wouldn't touch Aptow with a ten-foot pole."

American Samoa Delegate Up For Grabs

Tutuila, American Samoa: This small, unincorporated island territory is ordinarily a relaxed tropical paradise, with warm, sunny days and warm, breezy nights. Lately, however, a bruising, desperate fight has consumed islanders. At stake is the allegiance of the territory's one delegate to the upcoming Democratic National Convention. What makes this battle all the more difficult to decipher is the delegate's honorary, i.e. non-voting, status. "I believe in change," says long-time Governor Togiola Tulafon. "I believe in Obama. He deserves our honorary, untallied vote." Not so, say members of the opposition. "Most islanders want our non-vote to go to Hillary Clinton," says Tulafon Togiola, a long-time political opponent of Governor Tulafon. "If we have no influence on the convention, we want that lack of influence to be for someone who has ignored us for decades, rather than months."